Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
