she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
