i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize