Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
