i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
