hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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