I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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