We need to rekindle our bromance
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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