He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
grandma shit on top of the toilet
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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