if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
