Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
