She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
