I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
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