i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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