drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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