Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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