i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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