After last night, I could never be a politician.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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