the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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