there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
