My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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