She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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