You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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