He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
