I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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