We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
