I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
