I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
