I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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