I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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