I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
