I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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