My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
