the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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