you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
