When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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