How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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