At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
