How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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