Apparently you make a good broom.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
