I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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