I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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