Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
