Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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