Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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