smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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