I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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