Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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