I am spending my child support on dildos
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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