I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
