My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
