i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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