What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
